What Kind of Parent Are You?

I recently stumbled upon an article on verywellfamily.com about “Parenting styles” and how they affect a child’s self-image and development.

They list just four types, which struck me as an over-simplification, so it should come as no surprise that I added a couple of my own. But only after I comment on these first:

1. Authoritarian Parent: Strictly “old school” this parent sets hard rules and doles punishment but does not stand a chance in today’s world. Their style relies on a sense of fear that modern kids of a certain age just don’t possess. Oh, this young generation knows angst: They fear everything from peanuts to popes, but NOT their parents. So once they’ve tested all boundaries, the Authoritarian parent may find themselves in a stand-off with the millennial Dirty Harry. One day, the child simply refuses to obey, calls their bluff and looks them right in the eye as if to say, “Go ahead. Make My day!”. Then, with their phone streaming live video to Facebook and/or child services, this toddler silently dons a look that fiercely whispers, “You feeling lucky, punk?”. If this is you, you will be faced with a choice: Either you’re going to prison, or you will be forced to back down. One way or another, you are about to become somebody’s bitch.

2. Authoritative Parent: These folks talk to their children. They calmly explain why certain rules are necessary. They listen, but they identify and impose consequences, not punishment, so that their kids feel loved, but learn to understand and to make better decisions. This is probably the hardest style to pull off consistently as surely there are days when they just want to yell, “BECAUSE I SAID SO, mutha ****!”. But they don’t. They merely mumble it under their breath and sneak out for a quick bong hit. Doesn’t matter. At least they are making an effort to raise good human beings, and for that they should be commended. Frankly, I get choked up just thinking of what I could have become had my parents employed this technique: A prize-winning screenwriter, or journalist, or supreme court judge. Probably not, but no one can prove otherwise, so…shut up!

3. Permissive Parent: We all know this type. The ones that lack the necessary fortitude to exact consequences for anything, and their kids rule the roost. So why should we care? I’ll tell you why: Because their little angels will come over and destroy your home, upset your children with their concept of “give and take” that begins and ends with “take”, and upset the balance of everyone’s universe. Studies show that these kids will struggle academically because they have no structure or sense of duty. They are more prone to obesity and cavities because heaven forbid a spontaneous craving is not meant with instant gratification. They are also more inclined to exhibit poor personal hygiene by their refusal to conform to the oppressive demands of bathing or brushing teeth if they, you know, don’t feel like it. I have no advice to offer these parents, only this insight: Everyone, whether they have children, don’t have children, or think they might one day want children, all share one common sentiment: They hate you. You’re ruining it for everyone. What’s worse is that your kids are probably also unpopular, and that’s on you. Just another example of assholes spawning assholes.

4. Uninvolved Parent: This person is simply content not knowing. The effort to be involved in their child’s academics, extracurriculars, social endeavours, or life in general is just too much. Perhaps they are easily overwhelmed, suffer from psychological issues, addiction, or… oh yeah: They just don’t give a shit! The child in this scenario is basically raising itself. It is sad and contemptible and far more common than you’d like to believe. These kids can go either way depending on external influences, but they will likely always feel insecure and alone. That said, they probably won’t evolve into whiny, self-entitled little pusscakes (See # 3). I feel like this kid becomes the tortured artist or poet that spouts poignant rhetoric from the enlightened darkness in his soul. Right on! Or… he’s the guy that schoolmates describe as, “a nice, quiet guy, who kept to himself. You’d never think he would blow up a building.” Thanks MOM!

So now, since the experts have chosen to break down the entire parenting world to only four types, I am left with the responsibility (my cross to bear) of pointing out a couple more:

5. Helicopter Parent: The term refers to parents that “hover” over their offspring. Their world would collapse if a single action occurred in which they were not directly involved. These are the mothers whose nipples should show an expiration date, if you know what I mean. But who’s to say when one should stop breastfeeding? Oh, I know. Me, that’s who. Here’s the rule: If your kid can walk into a room and say, “Ma, I’m hungry. Where’s my milk?”, you’d better be pouring it out of a carton and into a glass. Because by that point, if he’s still “sipping directly from the tap”, it’s going to be hard to explain “Milk & Cookie-time” to his playmates. And if I remember my school days correctly, the question was always “Did you bring enough for everyone?”. It’s just wrong. And one last thing: The notion that you should have no secrets from your children is insane. Our society has survived entirely because we limit information. That’s why TMI is TMI. There should be mystery by the mother lode (Yes, pun intended.) between parents and kids. Youngsters are not equipped to handle their parents personal eccentricities and peccadillos. And fathers should never know when their daughters lose their virginity. It is unnatural and uncomfortable for all involved. They are the kids and you are the parents. So grow up.

6. Pedestal Parent: These folks are so enamored with their offspring that every bowel movement is a legendary achievement. Everything out of their child’s mouth is a groundbreaking revelation, and every stick-figure finger-painting or outline of their own hand is a g-ddamned Van Gogh! Please stop! There is a distinct difference between supportive and delusional. These are the same parents that believe in last-place trophies. Hey, if your kid came in last place, it’s a good indication that this is not their thing. How is a child going to discover what they are truly good at, if you tell them that everything they do is genius? You are sending them to face an Arctic winter in their underwear, and they are in for a rude awakening amidst a harsh, unsympathetic civilization.

Let’s face it, parenting is the hardest job you will ever have. You need certification to sell real estate and operate a forklift, but apparently everyone is qualified to raise a human being, or ten. So the least you can do is make an effort. Because what should really keep you up at night is the thought that your screw-ups will be creating their own screw-ups in perpetuity.

And on that note, have a great day!