This subject is one that transcends sexism, racism, ageism or any other “isms”. Bottom line: Somebody reading this stinks. And I don’t mean it colloquially like “Boo, you stink!”. Nor am I just referring to the present moment. I am talking about people who on a regular basis smell like a small dead rodent pulled from the rectum of a skunk that was run over by a manure truck, after 3 days in peak summer heat.
If it’s you, the intention is not to make fun of you. Your friends and colleagues are already doing that behind your back. This is just an attempt to wake you from your obliviousness, for everyone’s sake. But if you read the headline and were horrified thinking it might be you, like “OMG, I hope it wasn’t that time I went straight from yoga class to pick up the kids”, then it’s NOT you.
The people I’m talking about, the ones that haven’t showered today, and aren’t necessarily contemplating a shower tomorrow, don’t think I’m talking about them. No, these folks are strolling confidently in their flip flops, toes unapologetically carrying lint from the socks they wore yesterday, mysteriously held in place by some dried up tomato sauce from “Pasta Sunday”.
And it’s Wednesday!
No, these people that I identify as the “unabashedly unwashed” don’t even consider the possibility that it might be them.
I am referring to that person (everyone knows one) that you can smell coming and yet still find yourself surprised. It begins with a faint odour that seems to be approaching as you check the bottom of your shoe or look around for a garbage truck before you’re confronted by someone whose scent makes you wish you had drawn a breath just a moment sooner. Social etiquette dictates that you contain any expression that might reveal your disgust. But why? This is not someone afflicted by an impediment or disability. They are merely blind to how their disregard for personal hygiene affects your physical state, or appetite. They pay no mind to the fact that your eyes are watering and you’re trying to breathe without the use of nostrils, all the while dreading the airborne bacteria you’re swallowing at that very moment. It’s unfair!
But let’s play Devil’s Advocate, shall we? What if in fact, this is some disorder? A form of dyslexia of the nasal passage. Like no matter how foul the stench, they think they smell great. Perhaps somewhere in their infected psyche, the rest of us smell TOO clean. It could stem back to the womb where the fetus may have spent a large part of their gestation upside down, and thus became their norm: A bizarro sense of smell where bad is good and good is bad. Maybe they’re thinking “What is it with these people and their… soap? And their clean clothes and teeth with minty breath that display no hint of their last 3 meals? Don’t they see that they’ve stripped their hair of it’s natural oils. Ugh! I mean, their feet don’t even smell like feet!”
What if they’re just conservationists who don’t want to waste water or any of the numerous substances used to produce soap or deodorant, or oxygen??
Sure, we’re offended, but consider the possibility that these are the true heroes. Perhaps the rest of us are just hygienic elitists, judging from atop our pedestals and not leaving a trail of funk in our wake. They might just be busy with more important things than spending five or 10 minutes ridding themselves of environmental contaminants. How arrogant are we to think we know better? It is possible that socks were never meant to fold, but to just stand up on their own!
If that is the case, I stand corrected. But since we live on planet earth, let’s just skip to the part where I inform you in case you’re wondering, that we ALL notice! It’s just about the only thing left that is not beyond our control; Your hair can turn grey, or fall out. You can gain weight for a variety of reasons and have bad skin, or circles under your eyes. But at least you have access to running water and Dollar stores that sell soap for well, a dollar!
And if you’ve ever used the excuse “I don’t care what people think”, let me be the first to tell you that this declaration does not apply admirably to this scenario. You’re not Tarzan! You live in the (somewhat) civilized world among human beings who don’t fling their feces at each other.
So to conclude without beating the proverbial dead horse (drawing further comparisons), if you are an adult living in this or any country that possesses the miracle of plumbing, there is no excuse for your personal pollution. You need help, and I am giving it to you in the form of truth. Take a bath, or a shower, or even a swim (preferably in a pool that no one else uses). Your friends will (literally) breathe a sigh of relief. You can thank me later. Just not in person.
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