The following is the updated version of an article I published in 2015.
Whenever I hear of someone converting to Judaism, I squint with incredulity. Being born a Jew is one thing, but opting in is a whole different bag of lox. So many rules, traditions, deprivations, arguments and guilt. Frankly, it’s exhausting. And expensive.
I’ve been Jewish all my life, but I never get used to buying a grey, shriveled piece of kosher meat, ironically wrapped in discarded newspaper containing ads for plump & juicy, red, delicious-looking, 12-ounce pieces of *treyf that cost $5. And that is nothing compared to shopping for Passover.
Will somebody tell me what in heaven’s name is going into our *chametz-free food that warrants charging $9 for a bag of chips? Can I expect Elijah the prophet to actually jump out and grant me some kind of Pessach wish? Because if so, I wish NOT to clog my colon with wood-chips just to commemorate that our people were in a rush to get out of Egypt. After all, if we are memorializing a moment of great haste, perhaps a more appropriate ritual would be to speed up the seder! Seriously, regaling little children with graphic tales of our historical suffering is heartwarming, but is the best time to do this late at night, way past their bedtimes, as they’re passing out from hunger? Don’t even get me started on those whose first experience with alcohol will be to black out from über-sweet wine on an empty stomach. It’s why Jews are rarely big drinkers. That “Manischover” (Manischewitz hangover) is a bitch!
And we are a people rather renowned for our humour, so it seems we’re missing an opportunity here. Why not have the elders recount their historic narrative AFTER they’ve had their four glasses of wine? What I wouldn’t give to have seen my grandfather slur and swear his way through some thinly-veiled metaphor of his own life disguised as a great lesson for the ages, before falling asleep in a bowl of *haroset, only to find that the reason the kids couldn’t find the *afikoman was because it was tucked in the back of his pants.
So yes, we must preserve our traditions. We should instill in our young the values of our forefathers who suffered for thousands of years so that we could benefit from the wisdom of a people that were chosen for a life of holiness and of the highest fulfillment. No problem.
“Love thy neighbour”. Cool. “Honour the sabbath”. Sure. “Be fruitful and multiply”? Right on! But when the great scholars of the *Sanhedrin united some two thousand years ago to nit-pick, A.K.A. “discuss” the particulars of each and every one of our 613 laws ad nauseum, and the final question was which path to choose, did they ever once choose the easier way?
The answer is a resounding “Nope!”.
As embittered (in reference to the herbs we consume) as this may sound, the coming of Pessach is always accompanied by excitement and joy. And not just because of Stanley Cup and NBA playoffs. When all is said and done, the holidays are a time, not just to remember our past, but also to celebrate our present. To reunite with friends and annoy our families. To love each other, and take pride in the long, rich, and storied history of survival that makes us who we are. And who we are is up to every one of us. So let’s get this seder started!
- *Treyf: Non-kosher meat.
- *Chametz: Any food not kosher for Passover.
- *Haroset: A combination of various fruits blended into the consistency of food that has already been chewed.
- *Afikoman: A time-honoured tradition where a piece of matzah is hidden for the kids to seek so that they leave the table while you figure out what to do with the “drunk uncle”.
- *Sanhedrin: Ancient tribunal and court made up of rabbinical scholars who established modern Jewish law (Talmud) through biblical interpretations and debate.
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