Millennial trends that signal the end of civilization

I only recently began hearing myself utter such curmudgeonly phrases about “youth nowadays”. But if my grandparents generation thought the world was doomed with US at its helm, it’s a good thing they missed THIS millenium. The difference between that generation and mine were periodic and semantic, but with the ever-present hope that we would learn from the mistakes of our predecessors. Clearly this has not been the case as is evidenced by the return of the mullet in its various forms, and a recurring and almost conspiratorial attempt to bring back bell-bottoms every seven years.

But the following is not about fashion per se. The advent of social media, Kardashians, Food Network, and reality TV franchises like Bachelor/ Bachelorette, (Bachelors in Paradise, Bachelors in Outer-Space…), and Real Housewives of anywhere, have bred an absurdity far greater than anyone could ever have predicted. Photographing (and posting) our meals, butt-implants, face-tattoos, and degrading ourselves for 15 minutes of fame have all become commonplace in our rapidly-decaying society.

So to keep this from getting depressing, here are some things that are just a bit weird, and some that are a more frightening foreshadowing of things to come.

UGG-ly: Parisian clothing brand Y/Project designed their own version of UGG boots that were thigh-high and baggy with a stiletto heel. Now, this already sounds like a bad idea but seeing a picture just confirms my suspicion. I know there are dozens of fashionistas rolling their eyes that the rest of us don’t get it, but sometimes ugly is just ugly. On the bright side, they only cost upwards of $1500 US.

Broccoli coffee: The most amazing thing about this idea is that someone came up with it, and incredibly, someone else said, “Yes. Let’s do this!”. So first, the delicious vegetable is dried and ground into powder, then scooped into actual coffee, you know, for flavour. Two tablespoons equal one full serving of the great greens. Some of you might know this by it’s European name… Soup.

Thong Jeans?: Carmar Denim out of L.A. took ripped jeans to the next level with these babies. And they’ve passed on the material savings as these only cost between $160 and $200 US. And frankly, now that I’ve seen pictures, I have no problem with these.

Pickle-flavored Ice cream: Umm… excuse me? Oooh right…. We legalized marijuana. Okay.

Deep-dish, stuff crust, bacon-wrapped pizza: Not pizza specifically, you understand. It’s more of a metaphor for food that should be served with defibrillator paddles. I am no one to preach healthy lifestyle choices. I am merely commenting on the extreme excess, and the law of diminishing returns. Because if you already have deep-fried dough, cheese, bacon, ground beef, and some sauce essentially made out of mayonnaise, how much more enjoyment could you possibly derive from injecting additional bacon-wrapped meats and cheeses somewhere in between? No matter how good this might be (and it never sounds that good), you could literally eat a little bit of everything else you crave for a week without doing as much damage. So why not just do that?

Clear plastic pants: Sure, it sounds silly when you just say it but then when you see it, it actually LOOKS silly too. To be fair, it wasn’t just pants. It was blouses and skirts, and other stuff. I looked for the Speedos but no luck.

Micro bangs: Ladies, please don’t fall for this shit. Notions like this emerge every few years around the one supermodel that can pull it off, and the rest of you just look like you joined a weird cult. Incidentally, the Pixie cut is not for everyone either, but micro-bangs? This is not just a bad idea, it’s a bad idea that you’ll regret for about a thousand selfies.

Gender reveal party: This one takes the pink/blue-coloured cake. First, you get married and throw an engagement party. Then you force your poor bridesmaids to buy a stupid turquoise dress they’ll never wear again so that they won’t detract from the outrageously expensive white one that YOU’ll never wear again. Then, just as they’re starting to pay off that debt, and the gifts they gave you, you find out that you’re having a baby. Now, before you plan a baby shower, bris, christening, baptism, or other ceremony you’re going to force people to attend, you’re throwing a party so you can tell people what you’re having so that they can prepare in advance to get you a gender-appropriate gift? I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.

Degradation TV: You call it “Reality” but these are not like any REAL people I know. For me, it all began early in the millennium with Fear Factor and Survivor: Two awesome premises that ultimately just revealed the ugliest facets of humanity. Fear Factor lost me first with a roster of the dumbest people to ever appear on TV (at the time). At least Survivor’s prize was a million dollars, which might make even the semi-respectable stoop somewhat lower than they otherwise would. But once I observed the first group of imbeciles who were willing to devour a pair of walrus testicles with a side of live maggots, and wash it down with a lukewarm cup of blended sewer rat, not to WIN, but just for the privilege to perform tasks of even greater repugnance, I was disheartened. Because these winners performed deed after ghastly deed for all the world to see (How proud those moms must have been to see their sons guzzle 30 ounces of donkey sperm! Yeah, that really happened.), only to MAYBE win a grand prize of $50k?? This means that several contestants began or completed various irreversible, life-defining acts, and walked away with nothing!? Well, at least they have their dignity.