There are times in life when those of us sharing the world with other humans find ourselves in the delicate position of having to say something meaningful or uplifting to someone. Alas, even the most intelligent among us will find they have nothing poignant to offer. A prudent person would simply say nothing and be perceived infinitely wiser, but those like myself may occasionally find their lips moving long before a single thought has been decided upon, when out comes something we can only pray is not irreversible. That is when many of us reach for the nearest cliché in the hope that it will offer some consolation or insight. It usually doesn’t. Here are some of the most renowned on which I have chosen to shed some light:
Don’t judge a book by its cover: How else would we judge a book? Both literally and metaphorically, that would seem the best way to determine whether we are going to read it at all. We think we’re better than that, but let’s be practical. I’ll take it further and tell you that I recently saw an interesting title in my friend’s office when he offered to let me have it. I skimmed the pages and declined. His assistant jokingly asked “Did you just judge a book by it’s cover?” To which I replied, “No. I judged the book by the appearance of it’s content.” There’s a difference. Because we can’t read every book, sometimes a glance inside confirms what the cover suggests. Like the creepy neighbour whose rudimentary banter doesn’t quite classify him as a sex offender, but is weird enough to make you skip his house at Halloween, you know?
The customer is always right: Since everyone is someone’s customer, and we’ve all met our share of idiots, this can’t possibly be true. For one thing, there seems to be a weird myth among consumers that merchants must honour the price tag on a product, even if it is incorrect. That may work for a box of cookies, but you cannot possibly believe that if there’s a digit missing on a 72″ HD TV, there could ever be a law that would entitle you to pay $400 instead of $4000. I think the phrase was originally intended as a philosophy like, make the customer feel as if their needs are legitimately being heard, thus allowing them to feel they are right. But often the client is a layman being educated by the seller who one can only hope is an expert. So if they have unrealistic expectations, they would frequently not be right. Like if I were selling screwdrivers and a customer came in and demanded one that screwed itself, I would probably tell them to do the same. Sorry. I couldn’t resist.
There’s No “I” in team: Well, maybe not in english but the french word for team is équipe, and in Spanish it’s equipo. Both seem to have an I. But if you really want to have fun with anagrams, there’s a “Me” in team. Also, every sports fan knows you have to have a star player. You hope he/she plays within the team concept but there’s actually two I’s in winning, which is usually what you need. I’m just saying.
If there’s anything I can do…: A wise woman once told me that if you want to offer something, you just offer it, and allow the recipient to accept or decline. But asking someone to suggest something that could potentially amount to a huge imposition will either expose your insincerity, or lead to resentment on your part. If someone’s wife passes away and you say “Is there anything I can do?”, he might say “Yes. My wife used to do the laundry and have sex with me during the dryer cycle. Can you do that?”, it might not work out well. Or maybe it will. Who’s to say?
Everything happens for a reason: I don’t get this one. Someone who recently got fired was pondering the “why” when I said, “Hey maybe it was because you rarely showed up for work, and when you did, were really bad at your job?”. Good reason. Or if you’re crossing the street looking at your phone with headphones on and don’t hear the car honking before it hits you. That happened for a reason. There’s always a reason. The wisdom escapes me.
Money doesn’t buy happiness: Technically, this is true. You can’t go into a store and buy happiness. But don’t kid yourself. All things being equal, you are much more likely to be happy when you have money to throw at your problems. For example, say your daughter gets into Harvard and you don’t have half a million dollars. So she never hooks up with that dude named Winston the 3rd whose grandfather was Lieutenant Governor of Massachusetts, and whose family has horse-breeding stables, a yacht, and family crest on their blue blazers. Instead, she meets an experimental chemist at community college who’s majoring in crystal-meth and gets her pregnant before being imprisoned so she has to work in the mines, and develops black lung at the age of 27, leaving you with a meth-head convict’s baby in your 50s. Chances are, you are NOT going to be happy.
It is what it is: Oh, is it? Or maybe it only SEEMS like it is what it is, when really maybe it is what it isn’t. What if it WAS what it is but isn’t anymore? How about if it is now what it was before? Or perhaps it is not what it is right now, but could become what it is later on? Because everything I just speculated is as vague and idiotic as the original statement. As George Carlin once said, “The following statement is true: The previous statement was false.” Read this one again when those edibles kick in.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger: I don’t know. This one never really struck me as scientifically sound. I think that most things that almost kill you do not, in fact make you stronger. If you are attacked by a shark and he takes your arm off, you might survive but suffice it to say that you’ve emerged somewhat diminished. Now you’ve got one arm and have probably developed Thalassophobia (fear of oceans) and at best, if you’re angry enough, you might start eating more fish.
Time heals all wounds: So… if you’re attacked by a shark and it takes your arm off… Whoa! Déjà vu. Must I go on?
Better late than never: Really? Then my high school principal has some explaining to do. Let’s test that, shall we? If you’re a journalist whose job is to photograph an eclipse or Halley’s Comet, and you show up late, is it really “better than never”? No, you missed it. It may as well be never! Because there is such a thing as TOO late. Like if someone goes into anaphylactic shock and you show up an hour later with an Epi Pen, do you think the coroner will look at you and say, “Oh well, better late than never?”.
I can do this all day.
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